I don’t go to movies often. They are just too long and you just sit there and can’t move and you can’t stop it to take a wiz. And it costs too much anyway. So why don’t we all just stay home and watch some more Mad Men?
It’s a question that can only have one answer. Yes, we should just stay home.
And this newfangled 3D thing that’s supposed to save the film industry? Pltth. I went to a 3D movie when I was 12. There was one where a car was zipping around the cliffs of southern France and then braked suddenly on the edge of the aforementioned cliff… and I shit myself! I’m sorry but seeing a computer-generated tiger just doesn’t cut it for me.
But 4D? Well that’s just …. (insert compulsory dimension joke here)
After a bit of research here, where I was rather taken by the promise of “a high-powered bloody zombie that looks like a giant mutant foetus into a cathedral, where it races towards a crucifix the way a hungry dog runs after a flesh-covered bone. Jesus hangs motionless on a cross. The zombie reaches it, climbs up his body, and punches Jesus in the face.”
So clearly I had to go.
I asked the kid behind the counter for the movie with the zombie punching Jesus. He said he didn’t have it. He was probably just hiding it from his elderly Chinese mother, whose job it was hobble in front of us and show us the way to a table fulled with bright yellow 3D glasses so that we could engage in everyone’s life-long fantasy of dressing up like Devo.
For A$15 you get two ten-minutes movies. And in addition to the possibly imaginary zombie-Jesus movies, they also had a selection of dinosaur movies. A whole lot of rollercoaster themed movies. And a bunch of horror movies. We chose “Adventure In A Dinosaur Valley” and “Flying Through Icebergs”, the latter of which didn’t only involve icebergs but a strange sub-plot where you fly through tunnels getting squished by factory machinery. And then decided to go again the next day for “Blood Road” and the sequel “Blood Road 2”, which mostly involved us laughing at a badly CGI-ed zombie-like creature waving a sharp knife in our face. Whilst the bubble machine blew out a couple of bubbles. Because I know what special effect I most associate with having my life threatened by a raving lunatic.
So there was a bubble machine… but what else did they offer to make it “4D”?
Well the seats move around in a far more jolty manner than you might think appropriate for the action on the screen. And just above your head is a fire sprinkler for when you’re going under a waterfall, and one in front of you for when you are getting licked by a Diplodocus. And just a bit behind your head is another sprinkler blowing out soap suds… if you squint you can just make up that it is supposed to look like snow.
So it doesn’t really win any prizes for being hi-tech. It’s endearingly lo-tech. The movies aren’t particularly hi-tech either. I wouldn’t be surprised if they just downloaded them from the Internet. It’s the kind of home-spun futurism that you might expect from a family run business with an adorable old lady. You could say it’s kitschy, but the thing is, I don’t think this family would agree with you. I think they actually believe in the power of low budget 4D. And that’s an attitude that is worth supporting.
Rating: 8/10
Would I Do It Again: Yes
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